"Well, you're right, Vice President Lewis, I am an amateur. When it comes to creating so many enemies that we need billions of dollars to protect ourselves, yes, I'm an amateur. When it comes to paying farmers not to grow food while people in this country starve every day, yes, I'm an amateur. When it comes to creating a drug policy that makes crack and heroin cheaper than asthma and AIDS medicine, yes, I'm an amateur. But there's nothing wrong with being an amateur. The people that started the Underground Railroad were amateurs. Martin Luther King was an amateur. Have you ever been to Amateur Night at the Apollo? Some of the best talent in the world was there - James Brown, Luther Vandross, Rockwell, The Crown Heights Affair...The Fat Boys, Rob Base - but you wouldn't know nothing about that. Why? Because when it comes to judging talent and potential, you my friend are an amateur.
"How can you help the poor if you've never been poor? How can you stop crime if you don't know no criminals? How can you make drug policy if you've never smoked the chronic? How can you do that? Just a nickelbag? I'm a real American. I've been high. I've been robbed. I've been broke. My credit is horrible. They won't even take my cash. Now you're always talking about 'God bless America and no place else,' but isn't it obvious that God has blessed America? America is the richest, most powerful nation on earth. If America was a woman, America would be a big-tittied woman! And everybody loves a big-tittied woman! So, in closing, I'd like to say, you are full of shit! 'God bless America and no place else.' How about God bless Haiti? How about God bless Africa? How about God bless Jamaica? I'm not talking about Jamaica - the beach tribes you all love, I'm talking about stabbing Jamaica, that's what I'm talking about! So tonight I want to say, God bless America, and everybody else! The whole world! God bless you. I'm Mays Gilliam, and I'm running for President of the United States of America. Ya heard?"
- Mays Gilliam (Chris Rock), "Head of Sttate"
"Great moments are born from great opportunity. And that's what you have here tonight, boys. That's what you've earned here tonight. One game. If we played 'em ten times, they might win nine - but not this game. Not tonight. Tonight, we skate with them. Tonight we stay with them. And we shut them down, because we can! Tonight, we are the greatest hockey team in the world. You were born to be hockey players, every one of you. And you were meant to be here tonight. This is your time. Their time is done. It's over. I'm sick and tired of hearing about what a great hockey team the Soviets have. Screw 'em. This is your time! Now go out there and take it."
- Herb Brooks (Kurt Russell), "Miracle"
"Imagine that you bought food like you vote for president. You get two choices, donkey meat and elephant meat (every now and then another choice is available in certain states, where the food's producers solicited enough signatures on a petition to get into the grocery store). Every four years, everybody gets together and votes for donkey or elephant meat. No matter how you vote, you have to eat what the majority picks."
John Stossel, "Give Me A Break"
An assortment from "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy"...
"Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention? I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story, and I need all of you to stop what you're doing and listen...CANNONBALL!" - Ron Burgundy (Will Ferrell)
"I'm Brick Tamland. People seem to like me because I'm polite and I'm rarely late. I like to eat ice cream and I really enjoy a nice pair of slacks. Years later, a doctor will tell me that I have an IQ of 48 and am what some people call 'mentally retarded.'" - Brick Tamland (Steve Carell)
"I will smash your face into a car windshield, and then take your mother, Dorothy Mantooth, out for a nice seafood dinner and never call her again!" - Champ Kind (David Koechner)
"People call me the Bry Man, I'm the stylish one of the group. I know what you're asking yourself and the answer is yes -- I have a nickname for my penis. It's called the Octagon. But I also nicknamed my testes -- my left one is James Westphal and my right one is Dr. Kenneth Noisewater. You ladies play your cards right and you just might get to meet the whole gang." - Brian Fantana (Paul Rudd)
Veronica Corningstone (Christina Applegate): "Mr. Harken, this city needs its news. And you're going to deprive them of that because I have breasts? Exquisite breasts? Now, I am going on, and if you want to try and stop me, being it on. Because I am good at three things - fighting, screwing, and reading the news. Now I've already done one of those today, so what's the other one gonna be?"
Ed Harken (Fred Willard): "Screwing?"
"Yo, Tupac was gunned down on the Las Vegas strip after a Mike Tyson fight. Now, how many witnesses do you need to see some shit before you arrest somebody? More people saw Tupac get shot than the last episode of 'Seinfeld'...Every year, Tupac comes back from the dead, records a new album with clues in it...You mean to tell me you can find Saddam Hussein in a fucking hole, but you can't tell me who shot Tupac? They found Saddam Hussein in fucking Iraq! Tupac got shot in Vegas! In fucking Vegas! And not on no side street, motherfucker got shot on the Strip - in front of Circus Circus!" - Chris Rock, "Never Scared"
"Listen, Barf, we're not just doing this for money...we're doing it for a shit load of money!" - Captain Lone Starr (Bill Pullman), "Spaceballs"
"This is the time to remember, 'cause it will not last forever." - Billy Joel
"Time is a wheel in constant motion always rolling us along / Tell me, who wants to look back on their years and wonder where those years have gone?" - Lee Ann Womack, "I Hope You Dance"
"I never really wanted you to see / the screwed up side of me that I keep / locked inside of me so deep / it always seems to get to me / I never really wanted you to go / so many things you should have known / I guess for me there's just to hope / I never meant to be so cold." - Crossfade, "Cold"
"The most profound discoveries are not necessarily beyond that next star...they're within us, woven into the threads that bind us - all of us, to each other. The final frontier begins in this hall - let's explore it together." - CAPT Jonathan Archer (Scott Bakula), "Star Trek: Enterprise"
"On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key." - Ryan Baker (Northport '99, now working, and hating every minute of it)
"It is the way of spritual growth that a man must go forward from where he stands. He cannot jump to the absolute." - from the Bhagvad Gita
"Don't give up. Don't ever give up." - Jim Valvano
"To err is human... to really foul things up requires a computer." - Anonymous
"Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue."
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this 'F' you've given me." To which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."
Joke: Who Developed the Human Body?
Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who might've designed the human body. The first one said, "It must've been a mechanical engineer. The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff - a mechanical engineer must have designed all that." The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer. The complex way the nerves are wired up to the brain must have been designed by an electrical engineer." Then the third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer. Who else would have run a waste water line through a recreational area?"
Engineers and scientists will never make as much money as business executives, to say nothing of financial advisors. Now we have a mathematical proof that explains this:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power
Postulate 2: Time is Money
And as every engineer knows,
Power = Work/Time
Simple substitution yields
Knowledge = Work/Money
or, Money = Work/Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money grows without limit.
Therefore, the less you know, the more you make!
And a few from me fo finish off:
"I wish I could do high school over again - except with a .06 BAC."
"Good things do not come to those who wait. Good things come to those who get out there and make them happen."
"Parties, alcohol, experimentation, self-discovery, and the best years of your life. That's pretty much how it goes. Your actual high school experience may vary, of course." - from the cover of "An Island in the Commons," my play
"...what you don’t normally see, whether by chance or choice, can be one of the greatest teachers in life." - Lauren Felger, An Island In The Commons