"No Sieves"


Lyrics by Matt Carberry
(Parody of "No Sex" by Chris Rock)

Ladies and gentlemen who are fans of the teams that play against Cornell.
I have one piece of advice for you.
No matter what the papers say, there's no sieves on the Cornell team.
None.
Oh, there's scoring on the Cornell team, but you don't want scoring.
You want sieves.
And there's no sieves on the Cornell team.

Don't go to Lynah without earplugs.
Sure, it may be quiet outside,
But what about all those Faithful waiting inside with Red spirit?
They know your team sucks.

If a guy says he scored 20, and the stat sheet says 16 - he's scored 12.
If a guy says he scored 26, and the stat sheet says 26 - he's got damn near 40.

Put on that mask - you're ugly!!

The hard practices couldn't have possibly caused all those injuries.
Harvard did some of that sh-t.

Cornell players:
If an opponent cross-checks you behind the play, LET IT SLIDE.
Why spend two in the penalty box because some goon is frustrated?

Pep band - ain't nothin' wrong with that!

No matter what you think of what I'm saying, remember this one thing -
there are no sieves on the Cornell team.
(the background guy starts in)
no sieves on the Cornell team,
no sieves on the Cornell team,
no sieves on the Cornell team,
no sieves on the Cornell team,
there's absolutely positively no sieves on the Cornell team,

If a ticketless person has a funny sign, he hasn't been ticketless that long.
A real ticketless fan is too pumped up to be funny.

If your goalie has a pierced tongue, he'll probably cheap-shot our center.
If your coach has a pierced tongue, he'll probably cheap-shot our center.

Here's a horoscope for the ECAC.
Clarkson - you're gonna lose.
Vermont - you're gonna lose.
Colgate - you're gonna lose twice.
Princeton - you're gonna lose.
Harvard - you're gonna lose horribly.

No one goes to Bright to cheer Harvard.

If you've lost the puck for ten seconds, and none of your teammates know where it is -
it is behind your sieve.

Some of the things I said may not apply to you.
Some of the things I said may offend you.
But no matter who you are, you must remember this one thing.
No matter what the papers tell you,
There are no sieves on the Cornell team. NONE!!

(More of the background guy)


Back to Matt Carberry's home page