twelve fluid ounces: the CIVFOR list

(CIVFOR: Civilian Force)

Why did I go CIVFOR? Glad you asked...

  1. Because I never want to "turn to" again.
  2. Because "field day" should only involve athletic events.
  3. Because a workday shouldn't last more than 24 hours.
  4. Because you shouldn't have to take vacation time to get a weekend off.
  5. Because being tethered to someone else in another city isn't cool.
  6. Because a hair follicle touching my ear doesn't mean I don't care about my job.
  7. Because a five o'clock shadow doesn't mean I don't care about my job.
  8. Because I don't belong "on the reservation." Ever. Unless I'm gambling.
  9. Because I'm trained to operate a reactor, but I'm actually a janitor.
  10. Because being locked into your building pretending to work really sucks.
  11. Because not having a diploma doesn't make you less of a person.
  12. Because not being board selected and peer initiated doesn't make you less of a person.
  13. Because you get the medical care you pay for - and you're not paying anything.
  14. Because home shouldn't be 24 cubic feet of rack space.
  15. Because I should have sole discretion over who else sleeps in my bed.
  16. Because choosing your own diet is very beneficial to your health.
  17. Because I don't want to be held responsible for the actions of immature babies beyond my control.
  18. Because watching sports live beats the crap out of reading about them two days later.
  19. Because a six month business trip isn't conducive to a relationship.
  20. Because, at 27 years old, I prefer not to be treated like I'm half that age.
  21. Because I don't need a curfew when I'm in another city.
  22. Because I want to tell my boss when I'm taking a vacation.
  23. Because you shouldn't have to sell your soul to get out of the barracks.
  24. Because eight different bosses would be a welcome change.
  25. Because I'd like to show up to work not cursing the fact that it's still there.
  26. Because I'd like to be able to stop for groceries on the way home without changing clothes.
  27. Because if I lose my company cell phone in another job, I don't have to detail everywhere I've been and have those places surveyed.
  28. Because I don't lose my first name when I arrive at work.
  29. Because five computers for forty people is quite inefficient.
  30. Because being out of shape shouldn't be a potential cause for dismissal.
  31. Because I'm much better at my job when I have enough sleep to do it.
  32. Because I shouldn't have to scheme to hide my car to avoid it being towed.
  33. Because it's not just a warship - it's a marine classroom and a cruise ship for college kids!
  34. Because the hallways are three feet wide - and so is about a quarter of the crew.
  35. Because when your town's water treatment plant goes tits up, water is brought in from elsewhere.
  36. Because eleven weeks underwater really lowers your standards.
  37. Because a key to understanding women is interacting with them on a regular basis.
  38. Because my bed at home doesn't roll from side to side.
  39. Because I'd like to be able to eat lunch at my desk.
  40. Because I shouldn't have to wait six months after a promotion to get the accompanying raise.
  41. Because the human food and the dog food should never be confused.
  42. Because when my office builing gets renovated, it should be better off than it was before.
  43. Because an unintentional serious injury is not something to be hoped for.
  44. Because five dollars a day isn't worth all the extra bullshit.
  45. Because laying wax with a sponge takes for-e-ver.
  46. Because civilian janitors at least have mops and push brooms.
  47. Because my job shouldn't inspire me to sing slave songs.
  48. Because my job shouldn't inspire me to sing the anthems of history's most repressive dictatorships.
  49. Because my car doesn't operate with permanent oil leaks - neither should my submarine.
  50. Because a Fortune 500 company's recruiting pitch somewhat resembles the actual job.
  51. Because it's really annoying to field day twice for an inspection that doesn't happen.
  52. Because no apartment complex makes you change bedrooms for no reason whatsoever.
  53. Because after a month-long business trip, one should be able to talk to his wife - on his anniversary - without interruption from the boss.
  54. Because I love hamburgers, but grease patties - not so much.
  55. Because a speech scheduled for 10:30 shouldn't wrap up as I show up at 10:28.
  56. Because I don't want to be forced to sleep at work to ensure I make a red-eye flight.
  57. Because the cafeteria shouldn't be restocked via the front door, preventing me from leaving for the day.
  58. Because the janitors should be able to clean the bathrooms without securing all of them - four times a day.
  59. Because when the sewage is piped out of your house, it shouldn't stink up the entire house.
  60. Because I'd like to always pick the movie I watch.
  61. Because I should be able to watch a movie without hearing the words "hit her in the shitter!"
  62. Because I don't find it necessary to announce the arrival or departure of every single member of upper management.
  63. Because I shouldn't have to use nine vacation days to get five days off work.
  64. Because I shouldn't have to go into work to get permission to take a sick day.
  65. Because the reward for a job well done shouldn't be a doubling of my workload.
  66. Because having a title that starts with the word "petty" says it all.
  67. Because I should be able to leave my cubicle to poop EVERY TIME my lower abdomen cramps up.
  68. Because my cubicle shouldn't be at a temperature requiring a jacket.
  69. Because a reactor startup followed by sleeping at work isn't an ideal Friday night.
  70. Because cleaning the cafeteria shouldn't block the only hallway leading to your office.
  71. Because cold water spigots shoul produce cold water - even in warmer regions.
  72. Because I don't ever want to dive into my cesspool to fix my house's shitter.
  73. Because the cafeteria food shouldn't be marked "rejected by the state penitentiary."
  74. Because I shouldn't have to reserve a corner of my residence as a makeshift landfill.
  75. Because an early day should mean leaving before 6:30 pm, not arriving before 6:30 am.
  76. Because you shouldn't need a third of the staff at work even on an office holiday.
  77. Because in college, I don't have to initial my notes every time I scribble something out.
  78. Because in college, I don't have to re-copy my class notes if the professor thinks they're too messy.
  79. Because when the office basement floods out, the entire staff doesn't come back for an hour after work to clean it up.
  80. Because the line for the bathroom at home will never exceed two or three people.
  81. Because I prefer the water to run for the full duration of my shower.
  82. Because I'd like to be able to promptly tell my family that I'll be back later than expected.
  83. Because I’ve never been to a restaurant that has run out of napkins.
  84. Because I hate writing rent checks for an apartment I can’t use.
  85. Because Godsmack never intended the song “Awake” to be interpreted as we do.
  86. Because going into work for training at 1 a.m. can be just plain brutal.
  87. Because I don’t need my boss standing over me every time I use the copier.
  88. Because I was trained to operate a reactor – not as department administrative bitch.
  89. Because when I go to a conference, I shouldn’t be confined to the hotel while the VP goes to the strip club.
  90. Because the company plane can fly around the world with that leak – but not to Halifax!
  91. Because if my power goes out, I should be able to simply wait until it returns.
  92. Because traveling outside the fifty-mile radius shouldn’t need all my bosses’ permission.
  93. Because I’ll never sit in a cubicle with an airline mask strapped to my face.
  94. Because the office never sends the new guy to my house to wake me up.
  95. Because I hope to never get so bored that I produce chain mail sitting at my desk.
  96. Because a private space where I can sit up shouldn’t be too much to ask.
  97. Because I want to be absolutely sure I’m at my brother’s wedding.
  98. Because ninety thousand dollars should be a more than sufficient retention bonus – but no!
  99. Because when I go out on a boat, I’d like to enjoy the view.
  100. Because I now shudder at the words “this page intentionally left blank.”
  101. Because I should be able to take cold medicine without worrying about getting fired.
  102. Because the boss shouldn’t need a green tablecloth to tell me that I screwed up.
  103. Because I shouldn't need Olympic-level gymnastics skills to get into my bed.
  104. Because I shouldn’t need written permission from the boss to sharpen a pencil.
  105. Because the month shouldn’t determine what color suit I wear to work.
  106. Because the HR manager shouldn’t get on the loudspeaker and drop a string of F-bombs.
  107. Because a little music in the office might raise productivity.
  108. Because sales division working late shouldn't hold the rest of the office over.
  109. Because you should be able to mop up a spill – AND reuse the mop.
  110. Because announcing the employee of the month shouldn’t wake me up at home.
  111. Because you should be able to wear a company wind breaker outside the office building.
  112. Because you shouldn’t have to go to bed, fully clothed, waiting to be recalled to work.
  113. Because spoiled milk should never be served. EVER.
  114. Because spilling milk on yourself shouldn’t require dressing up like Big Bird.
  115. Because life shouldn’t be an endless series of witch hunts.
  116. Because the horse may be dead, but like you, it will be beaten until morale improves.
  117. Because you don’t move water coolers between rooms “for proficiency.”
  118. Because the city’s backup generators don’t fill your house with smoke.
  119. Because the office cafeteria serves salad every day.
  120. Because a tsunami at work should be EXTREMELY rare.
  121. Because even Satan cringes when he hears “ORSE.”
  122. Because a boss who sleeps with a subordinate’s wife shouldn’t be retained.
  123. Because writing in blue ink shouldn’t feel so weird.
  124. Because company regulations shouldn’t require me to freeze my face off.
  125. Because a twenty-minute walk from long-term parking to the terminal blows.
  126. Because nobody should sleep in full view of everyone on the lunch line.
  127. Because you shouldn't drive to work in a blizzard only to find it's a half day.
  128. Because I'd like to take my services elsewhere after the hundredth figurative dick in the ass.
  129. Because a little foresight and planning prevents five more years of indentured servitude.
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